Sunday, October 20, 2013

No: Zeigler's Limeade

I'm not a fussy eater: I'll eat pretty much anything (including, maybe, you).  I microwave food from boxes clearly stating "Microwave not recommended." If I'm impatient, I'll eat these microwaved foods partially frozen and not much care. I had little trouble eating vegan some years back as soy "meat" products tasted just fine to me. I can tolerate all sorts of flavors, ranging from wasabi, which I'll happily eat in globs right off my chopsticks, to the aftertaste of the Sweet and Low I've been putting in my coffee for decades.

In fact, there are only 4 things I won't eat:

1. Watermelon
2. That spoiled mushroom I popped in my mouth back in 1997.  That mushroom had turned.
3. Once, craving something sweet but having nothing remotely satisfying in the house, I spread peanut butter on a piece of bread and plopped a generous pile of Nestle's Quik on top.  It was awful. It became even more awful when I threw it in the trash where it sat petulantly on a pile of scooped cat turds and urine-soaked litter.
4. Zeigler's Limeade

Zeigler's claim they are "Committed to satisfying your thirst all year long." "Natural" and "not from concentrate" and what not, it all sounds pretty great and why not try a bottle of Zeigler's Limeade?

I'll tell you why not: because you will rue the fucking day.

My (now ex but not because of the Zeiglar's) (well maybe because of the Zeiglar's) husband picked up a bottle of Zeigler's Limeade a few summers back while grocery shopping. He put it in the fridge, closed the door and that was apparently that. Except it wasn't. Apparently Zeigler's Limeade sat there in the dark, working itself into a rancid funk.

Sometime that evening, I opened the fridge and saw the Zeigler's Limeade.  I'm not a big lime fan, per say, but it looked pretty good. I poured a glass and took a large drink.

Right away, my mouth filled with a foul, bitter taste.  A second later, the taste turned from bitter to chemical. As in cleaning product or antifreeze.  As in something that does not belong in the human body because if it gets in there, you will most certainly die.  I spat that mouthful right into the sink.  There was no relief: the foulness remained on my taste buds as surely as if I had gargled with it.  I turned on the tap, filled my mouth with water, rinsed and spat.  And again. Still no relief. The Zeigler's Limeade's aftertaste would not budge.

After numerous rinse and spits, finally the taste began to fade. I poured the rest of that crap down the sink. For an hour or so afterward, I sat around waiting  to experience convulsions or maybe sudden blindness. When these didn't happen, I went to bed.

A few weeks later at the grocery store, I saw a young couple take a bottle of Zeigler's Limeade off the shelf and place it in their shopping cart.  I wanted to warn them.  I imagined this happy-looking couple planning a nice lunch or dinner and Zeigler's Limeade was going to fuck their plans right into next week.

I said nothing.  Because due to the fact the Zeigler's was (and is) still churning this stuff out, I had come to believe I must have a sampled tainted bottle. There is just no other explanation.

However, I will never buy another bottle to test my theory. I shall never again go gentle into that green shit.


  1. HI KIM! I have missed you intensely... Ren's blog was here: But as you can see, not active. :( Miss her intensely too. If you leave a message there, she might pop in to say hi, but I don't know if she still checks it or not. I think that is the last of our old group, I seem to be, OF COURSE, the last blogger standing.

    I warned them, but they didn't listen. ;) You can't kill a redneck Deadhead, its impossible. Like cockroaches, we will be here after the nuclear apocalypse.

    But it will be the DEAD (and maybe Widespread Panic), no Phish.

  2. Ohhh, I forgot! Natalia is still blogging, and has an adorable baby and handsome husband. (Did you ever doubt it?)

  3. If you are on Facebook, Twitter, Google plus, Linked in and all of that shit (yes, she just keeps typing like a rude redneck), friend me if you want. :)

  4. Yay, here you are! And you can play The Dead all you like: I've recently rediscovered them. Just no Phish!