Yes: These Uncool Songs, Also

Kenny Loggins and Steve Perry: ready or not, here they come.

Fun fact: I wrote about half of these entries after drinking two beers. I never write while drinking, but as I've been enjoying a very long writer's block, I thought I’d give it a try. It didn't work: the words plopped on the screen like petulant turds and went nowhere. My mind was unable to travel down its usual paths of weird non-sequiturs and I felt literally brain damaged.  Later, I wrote the rest of the entries sober and the two-beer entries were heavily edited.  Without beer, the words came much easier.  Writing while drinking = failed experiment. Screw you, Bukowski.

I am still a music snob.  Every single song on my IPod is super cool. Except these:

Bee Gees, "You Win Again."  This song received radio play for a couple of weeks and then was maybe never heard again. I think The Monkees’ “Heart and Soul” was released around this same time which thrilled all the Mickey Dolenz fans. It was kind of thrilling, that Monkees’ song, as the 45 was issued on pink vinyl. Also around this same time, The Grateful Dead’s “Touch of Grey” came out on grey vinyl. "Grey" wasn’t a new song at all as any Deadhead could tell you but I don’t suppose the Mickey Dolenz fans cared about that. 

Benny Mardones, “Into the Night.” This is not a bad song, musically and I like Mardones' passionate screaming at the end.  But no one can really feel good about a song that opens with “She’s just 16-years old, leave her alone, they say.” In fact, that lyric puts a major damper on those passionate screams. Songs penned by older men about teenage girls are creepy. Kiss has two, “Going Blind” and “Christine Sixteen.” The Undertones wrote about “teenage kicks” and The Knack got all kinds of creepy in “Good Girls Don’t." But those songs could be about teenagers being teenagers and not about old creeps like Mardones who was 33 when the song became popular.

Here's something you want to do: watch the video.  Tell me if the first 15 seconds don't creep you out. By 3:20, you'll be vomiting.  

It'a a good damn thing he can't fly. That alone probably kept him off the Sex Offender Registry.  


Britney Spears, “Baby One More Time.” You know what I hate about this song? That by the time you read this, 40 more precious hipsters will have covered this song in their precious, hipster way, bringing the grand total of precious hipster covers of “Baby One More Time” to way too many. 

Christina Perri, “Jar of Hearts.” It’s a nice little emotional song but the lyrics are pretty bad, notably:“You’re gonna catch a cold, from the ice inside your soul.” Folks, you don’t catch a cold from being cold, you catch them from viruses. Plus, why should Christina even care if the person catches a cold? The whole song is about not taking someone back after they messed you over. If I were Christina, I would have wrote "I hope you catch a cold, from a really bad virus, because you're a big asshole." 

EMF, “Unbelievable.” Every time I think about this song, I think about the piles of EMF CDs that wound up in the used CD bin in the record store I worked at in Illinois. There were also piles of the Soul Asylum CD that had “Runaway Train” on it and piles and piles of that 4-Non Blondes album.  That was before iTunes when you could buy “What’s Up” and only “What’s Up” for $1.29.

Human Drama, various songs. Human Drama is a goth-like band according to Wikipedia. I wouldn’t say they’re necessarily “uncool," but I’m a little embarrassed to admit I have a bunch of their songs on my iPod because they are a lot of drama. 

Human Drama writes songs about dying in a moment of splendor, having non-penetrable skin and metaphorically bleeding for someone you love. Songs about walking sadly around Times Square and tears that cannot be dried, ever.

That's pretty much as gothy as one can get.  Unless you want to eat a boatload of salt so you can bloat up like nobody's business while wearing crooked lipstick.  

Justin Roberts, “Willy Was a Whale.”  I heard this song on a lot on  Nick Jr when my son was young. “Willy” is about a whale who walks on the water and walks around in Reno, Nevada. Some lyrics are purposefully mispronounced such as “wuff” instead of “rough." and "Weno" instead of "Reno." Lyrics for kid songs are nearly always light-hearted and silly, even when teaching serious lessons.  They’re kids songs – nobody’s singing about tears that cannot be dried, ever. It has a catchy melody and as catchy melodies are my thing, I downloaded it.

I don’t play this song every day or anything. 

Eric Carmen, “Make Me Lose Control.” Eric was cool when he was in The Raspberries, maybe, but then he had a song on the “Dirty Dancing” soundtrack which sort of makes him a loser.  I never did understand the euphoria over that movie.  I never gave a shit about Baby and her sheltered life and her big moment of sexual awakening. Kate Chopin wrote a much better story of a woman with a sheltered life and a big sexual awakening, called, in fact, “The Awakening.” In Chopin’s version, the woman drowns herself in the ocean. Baby should have drowned herself in the ocean and taken the soundtrack with her. 

Tatu, “All the Things She Said."  This song is about a girl falling in love with a girl. Tatu consisted of two young Russian girls who were presented as lesbian -- maybe! The girls did things like hold hands and kiss on stage which was just great, as the girls were hott and wore sexy outfits and performed on Saturday Night Live. Thing is, these girls were straight.  Why are all the popular songs about girls falling in love with girls sung by straight girls like Tatu and Katy Perry? There’s a really good song about a lesbian falling in love with a guy, of all things, called “I Spent My Last Ten Dollars (on Birth Control and Beer)” by a real, honest to goodness lesbian group called 2 Nice Girls.  The woman in this song only falls in love with the guy for about 30 seconds due to a recent breakup, booze and a moment of bad judgement. Still, I like “All the Things She Said” because it’s catchy and Tatu performed in Poland a few times.

The Proclaimers, “Cap in Hand.” The Proclaimers released an album called “Sunshine on Leith” in 1988. Someone gave me a promo edition of the cassette and I remember only liking two songs on it: “Cap” and that other one. Some years later, that other one got leaked to the masses and they ruined in the way the masses have of ruining songs that are kind of good.  

Like “Mony Mony.” That song is so ruined.  Even when I was a stupid 21-year old and “Mony” played in the clubs and everyone started yelling you know what, I hated it. Today, I try to leave the room if “Mony” is ever played in public because I hate it. I just don't like to see drunk, grinning buffoons yell about “getting this” and “getting that."  The Proclaimer’s other song isn’t ruined the way “Mony” is ruined, but I’ve also watched drunk, grinning buffoons yell “DA DA DA DA!” too many times and I just don’t like it at all.   

Kenny Loggins and Steve Perry, "Don't Fight It." This song is another 80’s “hit” or more aptly, a "non-hit", that momentarily “graced” the airwaves. Here’s something many folks don’t know: quotation marks are actually not to be used for emphasis or to denote sarcasm but only for actual direct quotes and titles. As such, in order to write my first sentence correctly I would need to write exactly what I mean and not rely on incorrectly used quotation marks. Something like, "Don't Fight It" is another 80’s song that never really became popular, wasn’t very good, and only received radio play for a short time.

But Kenny Loggins and Steve Perry didn’t seem to much care for writing or singing exactly what they meant: 

Live long enough, you're bound to find
Moonshine'll make a man go blind
Never can tell what the brew will do
But there's times to wind up feelin' so fine

Some women seem to have a knack
They'll turn you on and leave you flat
Never can tell who's playin' for keeps
So tell me what's holding you back
I know your heart can take it

What do those two paragraphs have to do with each other? The song begins with moonshine – which, does anyone, especially one pretty famous artist and one quasi-famous artist – drink moonshine? Apparently it can make you go blind but the buzz is worth it. Then it's on to women who tease, I guess, and experiencing uncertainty about their intentions.  Sounds like a warning to avoid these women but instead, Loggins and Perry tell you to not hold back because hearts are strong. 

Loggins doesn't annunciate that last line very well, either. Until I Googled the lyrics this morning, I always thought “I know your heart can take it” was “I know you’re hot potato.”  

Here's something you probably don't know about Loggins: Eddie Money hates him. My second Google search turned up these quotes from Money: "I don't really like the guy … I'm not a big Kenny Loggins fan and I never have been because you know what? We were label mates on Columbia Records and the guy never even gave me credit for doing the middle part of ['I’m Alright']. That's what I call a scumbag."

I did a third Google search on the song and read that Loggins described the song as “An experiment in pushing my limits to include rock.” That makes me feel kind of bad about ripping apart his lyrics. Poor Kenny, he tried. I shouldn’t feel bad though because (fourth Google search) in 1983, the song was actually nominated for a Grammy in the “Best Rock Performance by a Duo or Group with Vocal.” It didn’t win – “Eye of the Tiger” did.

I hate “Eye of the Tiger.” It’s not on my iPod.

Yes: These Uncool Songs

Art by Matt Dixon. 

I am a music snob.  Every single song on my iPod is super cool.

Except these:

Ronny James Dio's "Rainbow in the Dark." I used to laugh at this song because the lyrics are sort of stupid. These days, however, I think this should be the anthem for anyone who's ever felt overlooked or under appreciated. Who hasn't felt like a rainbow in the dark at some point?  Also, you know what's free? Lightening.  You know what isn't free? You.

Meatloaf, various songs. I don't care what you say.  There is at least one Meatloaf song you like. But it shouldn't be "Paradise By the Dashboard Light" because that song sucks. Yet it seems a lot of people like that song.  What a waste.  Because even if you say you don't like Meatloaf, you have to admit you like Queen.  Queen is big and theatrical and sometimes even epic and guess what? So is Meatloaf.  But liking "Paradise by the Dashboard Light" is akin to liking the peel of a banana.  The peel is the part you're supposed to throw away and  so is "Paradise."  Better you should like "Two Out of Three Ain't Bad," "For Crying Out Loud," or even "I Would Do Anything For Love (But I Won't Do That.)"  I'm betting you probably do.

Hanson, "MMMBop." This is probably the happiest song in the world. If you read the lyrics, you'll see the song is actually about a pretty serious subject. There's also a lot of lyrics all packed into single sentences in this song.  I don't know how those kids packed so many words into single sentences but they did.  You can't really understand most of the lyrics, except "It's a secret know one knows." Which is telling, isn't it? Michael Stipe murmured his way though a whole album and even though he did other enigmatic things like keeping his sexuality a mystery pretty much right up until today, he's not a secret to me. This is because I like R.E.M. so I've read a great deal about them.  But I don't know anything about the Hanson brothers at all and I've never heard any of their songs but this one.  It's probably safe to say that if I really gave a tin shit about Hanson other than "MMMBop" I could find a whole bunch of information on them also. Who knows? Maybe no one.

One Direction, "What Makes You Beautiful." I learned to play this on guitar a few years back. I thought, how whimsical and funny would this be to pull out of my repertoire someday, somewhere?  I even thought I might try this at Karaoke and that would be funny too. But what's not funny is you get to breath exactly twice during the chorus:

 "Baby you light up my world like nobody else they way that you flip your hair gets my overwhelmed but when you smile at the ground it ain't hard to tell you don't know-oh-oh BREATHE you don't you're beautiful. 
If only you'd see what I can see you'd understand why I want you desperately right now you're looking at me like you can't believe you don't know-oh-oh BREATHE you don't know you're beautiful."

But if you're looking for a good way to impress your friends and maybe die trying, this is the song for you.

Matchbox 20, "How Far We've Come." I think, among music snobs, Matchbox 20 is like Nickelback in that you're supposed to hate them?  I don't really know. I like this song because I like to think about how far I've come.  I should probably write more here but I got nothing.  Which probably shows how crappy Matchbox 20 is.  Or maybe I have a long way to go?

Shaun Cassidy, "That's Rock and Roll."  The opening lyrics to this song are "When I was 16, and sick of school ..." When I was 16 and sick of school, I got plopped into a different high school.  I got sick of that school pretty quick too.  When I was 18 and sick of school, I didn't go back after summer vacation because I had rocked and rolled my way into a whole lot of F's and would have been 19 when I graduated. Instead, I got a GED and Bachelor's Degree.  That's not really rock and roll but it's okay. Shaun was really never rock and roll either.

10cc, "The Things We Do for Love."  In fourth grade, an older friend told me what "making out" was.  I don't think she got too specific as being only a year older than me, she didn't really know much. But tongue kissing was mentioned.  Which: shocking.  The first time I heard this song and the lyrics "You think she's gonna break up, when she says she want to make up," I though they said "make out." Which: shocking.  But then I heard it again and realized my error. That's a good enough reason to like this song.

Something Happens, "Parachute." Have you ever heard this song?

I have no idea if it's considered "bad" or not. It probably should be because it's kind of stupid.  I like it though, I especially like it when I'm running and I can pretend I'm flying.  Pretending to fly is AWESOME and if you've never tried it, you certainly should.

Shakira, "Empire."  Mostly, I hate this song.  There has never been a worse lyric, ever, than "And the stars make love to the universe." I do like, however, when Shakira sings "And I'm like, and I'm like, AND I'M LIKE!" I'm not really sure why. Maybe you do?

REO Speedwagon, various songs.  REO Speedwagon got real popular in the 80's.  I had a baseball t-shirt with their crazy winged logo on it and I wore it to the rollerskating rink. One time, this blond guy asked me to "couple skate." Toward the end of the song, we skated over to a dark corner by a bunch of mirrors and he kissed me. I had gum in my mouth at the time and do you know what? I saved that gum in plastic baggie.  But then I turned 19 and I threw that and a lot of other stupid shit out.

Ray Parker Jr., "I Still Can't Get Over Loving You." It's gonna get weird now.  I really, really, really like this song.  I like that guitar at  2:11, right after "'Cause every girl I date resembles you." The song gets super creepy at the end. Up until then, it's been all love and "it's not your fault" and what not. But then Ray whams you over the head with "Don't you ever try to leave, it'll be the last thing you ever do."  Still, this song gets me emotional when I play it on my guitar. You should come over my house someday and I'll play it for you.  It'll be great.

Lou Gramm,"Midnight Blue." Lou Gram is? Was? Is? Is Foreigner even still together? I don't know, but Lou was Foreigner's lead singer during their glory days -- which appear to be over. Good. Because "Waiting for a Girl Like You" is a horrible song. Foreigner had other songs that weren't bad, "Cold as Ice" notably, but just as "MMMBop"is the happiest song in the world, "Waiting for a Girl Like You" is the worst song in the world.

In the 80's, Lou released a solo record and even though it was on the list of albums we had to play when I worked at a record store, I can't remember fuck-all of the rest of the album.  I like this song though.  That guitar riff is super fun. I didn't and still don't get all the "cherry red" references but that's okay. I ain't got no regrets.

Blues Traveler, "Hook" and Hootie and the Blowfish, "Hold My Hand."  I joke about Blues Traveler a lot.  There's a lot to joke about with these guys.  I don't joke so much about Hootie because it seems after "Hand" there wasn't really a song that sounded like really, anything, so I have don't have any joke fodder. Blues Traveler, though, they're funny.  I have to lump Blues Traveler and Hootie together because they belong in the trio of bands that all go together for some reason.  The member of the trio that I left out is Dave Matthews Band because I hate them.

I remember the first time I realized "Hook" was actually the Pachelbel Canon.  I heard the melody clear as day while running. Afterwards, I went inside and Googled and sure enough, the song is basically the Canon.  I was prrrr-eeety proud of myself for picking that up.  "Hold My Hand" is not the Canon but I remember playing it in Record Revolution in DeKalb, Illinois after we closed. By myself.  Because we Rev employees joked about the Hootie-buying loser frat boys and I was a slick-as-shit recordstorepunkrocksomethingorother so I had to play it on the down low.

Barry Manilow, "Mandy." Is Barry cool these days? Like Neil Diamond cool? I don't know.  I like this song because it reminds me of my dead cat.  That's about enough of that one.

Billy Ocean, "Loverboy."  I love this song for no reason I can ascertain. Albeit, there's a key change at the end and I am a sucker for a key change. (Which is why I will sing Tommy Roe's "Dizzy" until I can't even see and momentarily lost every piece of my mind the first time I heard The Lyres' "She Pays The Rent.")  But the key change isn't that exciting, really, and so it doesn't explain why I love "Loverboy." The guitar in the beginning is pretty catchy but I've heard better. The lyrics in the chorus are abysmal and in fact, back in the day, if any guy told me he wanted to be my "loverboy" I would have laughed in his face. Ask anyone.  I don't like Billy Ocean either.  I don't like "Caribbean Queen." And while "Get Outta My Dreams Get Into My Car" is funny because a bad very way to win your the girl of your dreams is to yell "Get into my car!" at her, I don't like that song either.  I think these are probably the only three songs Billy Ocean ever sang in his life.  It's lucky that I really like one of them!

Yes: Air Supply

In 1975, two guys met in Australia while working on a production of Jesus Christ Superstar. During down times, they jammed and the room was heavy with magic. That magic became Air Supply.

I have exceptional taste in music. Ask anyone. I don't like Rod Stewart's Adult Contemporary stuff but I do like Bachman Turner Overdrive's "Sledgehammer" -- and Air Supply.

I like Air Supply because I remember first listening to them in seventh grade and hearing the short Air Supply guy's voice and thinking he was a girl. Tricky!
I like Air Supply because you know they're gay because they're Air Supply but if you Google you'll find out they are, in fact, straight. Tricky again!
I like Air Supply because all I ever need to own by them is a Greatest Hits album.There's no need to get all "deep cuts" with these guys.

But mostly I like Air Supply because when I discovered punk rock at age 19, I had to hate everything that wasn't "punk," "indie" or "alternative." So of course I had to hate Air Supply because everyone hates Air Supply. Untill I saw Todd Solondz's fiim Happiness.

It's a good film but to date I've only watched it once because it creeps me out.  In any case, there's a scene where a man and a woman dance together in a crappy bar. It's sad because the man doesn't care a shit for the woman: he's all wrapped up in Lara Flynn Boyle's character.  The woman, however, does like the guy, a lot. So they dance and it's sad because the man is "settling" but the woman thinks it's mutual and guess what's playing on the jukebox?  Air Supply's "All Out of Love." It's a poignant moment and if you think for one second Solondz could have pulled that off without some Air Supply magic, you are wrong.

Air Supply is good for other things. A while back, a Facebook friend posted that he was gearing up to watch Mothra movies and something called Giant Monsters All Out Attack. The "All Out" reference naturally brought to mind Air Supply's "All Out of Love" and shortly after, my other super-favorite Air Supply song "Making Love Out of Nothing at All." Then I thought about making Mothra out of nothing at all -- because if anyone could make Mothra out of nothing at all, you know it would be Air Supply.

Finally, I made this out of nothing at all (except some stolen images from the internet):

So while you're playing your Death Cab for Cutie or your Black Sabbath, I'll be playing Air Supply.

Well, actually, I probably won't because I only listen to them maybe twice a year.

But Air Supply is magic wearing a magical crown and as such, anything could happen. So, while you're playing your Death Cab for Cutie or your Black Sabbath, there's a (slim) chance I could be playing Air Supply and every star in the sky could be taking aim at my eyes like a spotlight.

Except probably not because I suffer from mild night blindness and don't really like spotlights aimed at my eyes.