Monday, October 28, 2013

No (Way!): Frogs

One thing I don't like at all are frogs.

When I was growing up, there was a pond next to my house and it was packed with frogs.  My brother and I would go down to the pond with nets and catch them.  Sometimes we'd haul a bunch of frogs back to the house in a bucket and plop them into a wading pool. We'd watch them do creepy frog stuff for a while then release them back into the pond.

One time my cousin and I packed about 5 frogs into a pickle jar semi-filled with water.  One of them (jerk!) started emitting that horrible, high-pitched sound that frogs do and we screamed and dropped the jar.  They were okay.  They went back into the pond.

All this frog relocating required frog handling.  I did a lot of it. I picked these things up all the time. Even though frogs creeped me out even back then, I was able to do it. I think that may be exactly why they terrify me today.  I think I gave myself some kind of PSTD Frog from that.

If you could take a frog apart (which I never did back then, though you might think so), I would have no trouble with a frog's head:

Large eyes, happy smile, roundy-chubby cheeks.  From this picture, you might think the frog could be a good friend for me.

Then it all falls apart:

Moving past the head, there's not one thing to like here. Those front toes are unfathomable.  The strange lump on the back is grotesque.  I can barely even bring myself to think about the back legs but for this post I will:

I hate this.

Worse yet, when they dangle

There is no need for legs like this anywhere, ever.

If you're one of those people who like frogs -- and for some reason, there are many of you -- I've got some news for you: frogs are not the innocent, lily-pad sitting, fly-catching creatures you might think they are.


Here's your BFF the frog eating a snake.  He looks pretty happy about it, too.  There's no delicate pink tongue gracefully unfurling to catch an insect. Instead, we see the frog apparently about to pack himself with a whole lot of snake.

It appears frogs will eat damn near anything they think they have even a remote chance of swallowing:

 This frog is eating a bird.  I hope he chokes.  

It gets worse:

"Please let me out, oh please, please!" says the mouse.
"Hahaha, fuck you!" says Stupid Fat-Ass Frog.

Frogs don't care. They will eat anything. Including each other:

"Hi, I just ate my brother," Frog says cheerily.  

You know know what though, you gross, gluttonous, frogs?  Turn about is fair play for you guys:

Ha ha, Frog. Ha ha on you!

I'm not saying I would ever hurt a frog. In fact, on rainy summer nights I damn near kill myself trying to avoid hitting them with my car.

Here's what's funny though.  The town I work in has a thing about frogs. There's some story about some stupid townies hearing a bunch of frogs making stupid frog sounds and thinking it was Native Americans or the end of the world or something.  As such, the town apparently decided to adopt the (stupid) frog as it's spirit animal.  They're everywhere.

Look what I get to drive by nearly every day:

"Ha ha, Kim, Ha ha on you!"

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